Sister, Find Yourself Podcast
Tapping into your feminine energy through coaching and anecdotal stories of trauma, life lessons, self discovery, and empowerment. The Sister, Find Yourself Podcast is a guide to - finding yourself - being your authentic self and acquiring and refining the will to never lose "self". Not only is this life changing but attainable in all facets of your life - family, career, relationships, and self actualization.
Sister, Find Yourself Podcast
Redefining the 'Strong Black Woman': Embracing Softness and Femininity
Have you ever considered how the 'Strong Black Woman' trope you've been fed over generations might be hindering your ability to truly relax and enjoy soft living? In this fascinating episode of Sister Find Yourself, I, Corky Nelson, explore this question and share my own experiences as a young nurse witnessing the contrast in mental health practices among women of different ethnicities. The journey begins with a discussion on soft living - a lifestyle of comfort and minimal challenges, often mistaken as a product of wealth and luxury. However, in reality, it's a profound way to liberate ourselves from unnecessary stress and obligations.
The dialogue extends to the significance of embracing femininity for a more relaxed, softer life. You'll hear how generations of women have been operating out of necessity or scarcity, resulting in behaviours that are not in sync with our natural order. Whether it's about the importance of opposites attracting, finding an equally yoked partner, or the crucial role of communication, all aspects are thoughtfully dissected. Finally, be prepared to get busy with a unique homework assignment that emphasizes self-care, boundary-setting, and authentically living your best life. So, join me on this empowering journey that aims to change how we perceive ourselves and the world around us.
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Both64 X. Hello everyone and welcome to the Sister Find Yourself podcast. I am your host, corky Nelson. I'm a healthcare professional, certified life coach, advocate, friend, change agent and sister First off, right out of the gate.
Speaker 1:I am so excited about this new season and you know, metaphorically speaking, with seasons and how they change. I think it ushers in, or it helps to usher in, a new change in the way that we're living our lives. If there's anything that we want to change or improve upon, you don't have to wait until the new year to get those type things going. You can, actually you can do it at any point, but it's just something about seasonal changes that can affect the way we view our own reality. So fall is my favorite time of the year. These temperatures are dropping because for the last two months we were seeing 109 degree days every single day, very little rain. So this little coolness that's in the air again, I am here for it.
Speaker 1:Today I was watching one of the only reality TV shows that I watch and that's Love is Blind. You know, don't judge me that show has been a favorite of mine, I guess for the past four seasons, because I have not missed a season, but Tiffany, I believe is her name, the one that married God. I can't even think of her husband's name, but it was the Black Love couple Gosh, I can't think of that guy's name. But she made a statement the other night that said, you know, she was ready for her soft girl era. And I have definitely heard the term hashtag soft life, soft living. And as soon as she said it I'm like you know what? That's what I am going to talk about on my next episode, because I think it's so very important.
Speaker 1:For those of you who are not familiar with soft living, basically it's a lifestyle of comfort, relaxation, with minimal challenges, very little stress, you know, and some people view it as a product of wealth and luxury. Of course, you know we always are like, oh, if I had that money, I would do this. Oh, if I had that money, I would do that. But that, to me, isn't soft living. It could be viewed as soft living because they definitely don't have the day to day worries that us working class people do. However, for me, soft living is being unburdened from stress and just obligations and responsibilities that are never really ours to shoulder anyway.
Speaker 1:For years I subscribed to the strong black woman trope, even in how I viewed other women in other ethnic groups. Case in point, as a nurse with an emergency room background. We triage patients. If the patient comes to the emergency room or if you've ever gone to the emergency room, you know that you go into an area, you tell the nurse what's going on with you, how long it's been going on. They may ask you are you on any medications? Have you had any previous surgeries?
Speaker 1:And as a young nurse, I mean I was in my early 20s when I would ask people about their medications, especially women. One thing that I noticed was most women in other ethnic groups, aside from my ethnic group, a black woman. A lot of those women would come in and say things like well, I'm on Paxil or I'm on Zoloft or I take Xanax for anxiety and depression. And I would say to myself gosh, most of these other women are always on something for depression or anxiety. It's just a shame that they're not strong enough not to have to have these medicines. Now, I'm a whole health care professional, mind you out here in these streets thinking that. But it came from an upbringing where strong black woman, that's what you had to be, you know, and anything less than that was unacceptable and that's why I know in my heart the mental health of people in our community has suffered so much, because there's such a stigma in the realization that it's okay not to be okay. Now, mind you, these women would be on medication for anxiety and depression, but have no other medical problems. On the flip side of that coin, when a black woman would walk into my triage room with whatever the issue was that brought them to the emergency room, I would ask them the same question are you on medication? Yeah, I take medication from a diabetes. I take medication from my high blood pressure, and, although a lot of our issues are related to generational trauma and also diet, exercise, things like that, if you just weigh those two, the fact that these women who were on medication to help with their depression and anxiety did not have issues with hypertension diabetes as opposed to these other ones who did not have any issues with hypertension diabetes as opposed to these other ones who did, it's just something to think about. So that was one of the first things. You know stress. Stress is a causative agent in just about every medical problem disease known to man. So I'm all about reducing stress and I'm all about getting rid of that and although there is some factual basis in the strong black woman trope, I think we've had to be that out of necessity.
Speaker 1:I was looking when I was preparing for this episode. I looked at some stats in 1970. 35.6% of black men had never been married. 27.7% of black women had never been married. Well, in 2020, y'all hold on to whatever you sit known, because these are the new stats as of the census in 2020, 51.4% of black men have never been married and 47.5% of black women have never been married.
Speaker 1:So, you know, as a person who's been married twice in a flourishing relationship, being able to benefit from that soft living is a whole lot easier than that strong black woman myth. You know, it kind of just tends to fade away. Because I say that? Because, in part, people including us as black women we feel we have no choice but to be no nonsense, wise and accepting of our fate. You know, the weight of the world rests on our shoulders and although you know the strong black woman trope can elicit pride and resilience and toughness, it doesn't always leave room for us to feel soft, to move softly, to live softly, to embrace our femininity, our feminine energy, and that feminine energy is all about nurturing, loving, receptivity, compassion, care. You know, walking in your femininity means you can move in a way where you no longer have anything to prove or defend.
Speaker 1:Going back to the receptivity part of feminine energy, the ability to receive. You know, masculine energy is more about doing the protector, safety, direction, the provider, and being receptive is really the ability and awareness that things flow through us, finding abundance and joy in our lives. So, you know, the reason I touched on feminine energy was because and I'm going back to the senses we are the most unmarried demographic, which means many of us are operating as the head of the household and in nature it was not designed that way. You know, opposites attract. So your feminine energy is what attracts a male who is operating in his masculine energy. It's what attracts the two of you and it is to me the a 100% of the of a positive dynamic in a male and female relationship, because when I'm strong, he's weak and that's from an emotional aspect, and where he's strong, I'm weak and that's from a dominance and a desire to Protect and care for you and do the things that a man is supposed to do as the head, because that's the way in nature it is designed to be.
Speaker 1:We're operating out of Necessity, out here, or scarcity. I might even say. You know, our divine energy is not that of protecting, providing and leading. It's far greater than that. You know. Life flows through us. Life, you know. But life also happens to us and because of past experiences, you know we've been thrust into Situations that are contradictory to the natural order of things. You know, maybe you came from a single parent home, stress, responsibility, the the necessity to have to be the strong person, because you were the only person. That's what a lot of us saw in our communities, and so that's what we mirror. Often, people either Do the things that they were raised doing, or they decide that that's not the way that they want to operate or move and they do things very opposite of that. But it's hard to break those types of behaviors when that's all you know.
Speaker 1:Another Thing that happens to us in life is a failure to find a partner. You know, remember, 51% of black men have never been married in, 47% of black women have never been married. So we've got Generations of women, and I say generations because now we're at, you know, we're at Gen Z, we're at Millennials, we're at Gen Xers, and if you have never had an opportunity to really Develop your femininity or walk in your femininity because You've not been afforded the opportunity to do so, it's hard to step back. A lot of us have a lot of masculine energy and we, I think we get it confused with being strong, because there's nothing wrong with being strong, but a woman that's operating from a masculine mindset I think is is very problematic.
Speaker 1:So and that's just my opinion and then another thing sometimes is just not being equally yoked, and what I mean by that is you taking on the masculine role, for whatever reason, in a relationship. Maybe the person, the male in the relationship fell on hard times and you had to be the breadwinner. Maybe they never even got to that point and you just took it upon yourself to be the breadwinner. And I'm talking about marriages, because Even for me I was under no, it wasn't a misconception. I still believe in the fact that when you are married, it's no longer two people, it's one, and where one is lacking, the other one builds them up.
Speaker 1:But you have to be careful Because if you overstep too far and start operating from a masculine vantage point or just, you're taking on more of the role of leadership than you really are supposed to. It can create a lot of issues, you know, one of them being it kind of makes the man stop showing up, you know, if you make it too easy sometimes. You know some people and it's unfortunate there are some people out here who their main goal in life oftentimes is to get what they can get with very little effort. So you just have to know your partner, you have to watch for those signs and you have to have real heart to heart conversations about things. I cannot express that enough. If you feel like things are not reciprocal or mutually beneficial in any relationship where there's marriage or just a relationship, you need to have those heart to heart conversations and never be afraid to communicate how you feel.
Speaker 1:Oftentimes we fail to communicate because we feel like it's going to run the person away or they're going to think that you know we're nitpicking and always have, you know, something negative to say. I mean you can say things in love, you can say things. Just be very tactful in how you have or approach these conversations. But communicating communication rules the nation, as my son always says, and he's absolutely right. The second thing that can happen is it can breed resentment that you never even realized existed. I cannot tell you how many women have come to me and said you know, my husband always acted like he was jealous of me. My husband or boyfriend acts like it's a competition, instead of pooling our resources and doing things together or doing things that benefit the relationship, the household, the family, there are people that are out here truly at odds with one another. And the third thing that operating in your masculinity or in a masculine energy type of way is it can absolutely wear you out because, again, that is not how we were designed to operate or to move. So you know.
Speaker 1:That's why the term hashtag soft life is critical for women, especially women of color. We need to intentionally seek comfort, peace, rest. You know okay. So how do we get to this soft life? How do we achieve this?
Speaker 1:The first thing you've got to do is prioritize your health, mental and physical. Remember when I was telling you how the women in other ethnic groups were on medication for depression, on medication for anxiety. You've got to realize that your mental health is just as important as your physical health and from time to time in life there may be times when you need a reset, and sometimes those resets come in the form of medication, cognitive behavioral therapy, just looking, changing your mindset, looking at things from a different vantage point. But it's definitely very important to prioritize your health. The second thing you've got to do is identify your limits. Saying no is a complete sentence. Not no, but maybe, or no. I this no, put that period behind it. That is a complete sentence, and when you operate in that mindset or with that mindset, it makes it a lot easier for you not to find yourself doing things that you really don't want to do. But you do not know how to say no. Learn that no is a complete sentence. Another thing that you can do is ask yourself am I choosing joy? Is my wellness a priority?
Speaker 1:People will accept unhappiness over uncertainty, and that's why everyone can think of one person that they know that has been miserable for years because they're afraid to step outside of their comfort zone. They're afraid to step outside of the box and do something that they're not certain about, because you can't get comfortable and or you shouldn't get comfortable in something that is bringing you absolutely no joy, no fulfillment, no happiness in your life. It's when it boils down to a guy. Seriously, it's really about balance. You know you can work hard, but understand the importance of rest and resetting. It's the realization that you or we don't have to harden ourselves to. We don't have to harden ourselves to the world to live in it. We don't have to be that strong black woman or that strong woman we can operate in our femininity and attract more than you, or in our feminine, feminine energy, and attract more than you'd ever imagine. So how do we live a soft girl life? What do we do?
Speaker 1:For me, number one envision the woman you want to become and see the life you want to have. There is so much power in the law of attraction and manifestation. I'm a firm believer that the power of life and death and everything that goes in between it lies in the tongue. You have to speak things that are not as if they were. So the first thing that you have to do in order for your actions to line up is to birth these thoughts, and that's where vision boards come in Imagine the woman you want to become and the life you want to have. The second thing that you have to do, or another thing that you can do and I kind of touched on this when I said.
Speaker 1:You have to learn that no is a complete sentence is set boundaries. And when you set these boundaries, it's your job to protect those boundaries. It's only the person in your life's job to respect them, but you have to protect them. So if your boundaries are not being protected, then the next thing that you have to do is reach yourself of that. If people cannot protect the boundaries that you set, you either remove yourself from the equation or remove them from the equation. But it's toxic for people not to respect your boundaries. So, reading yourself of toxic people whether that's family members, co-workers, significant others and you need to definitely communicate communicate how you're feeling, but in an age of social media, I saw a meme once that said I will unfriend, unfamily whoever does not respect my boundaries. I'm like unfamily, but sometimes, unfortunately, that's the case. You just have to do that to protect yourself.
Speaker 1:Which brings me to another point, and that is self care, self care, self care, self care and whatever that looks like for you. Make sure that you are always leaving room, and if you can't leave room for self care, make room for self care. You only give one life. This life has an expiration date and it is your job to make sure that if you want to operate in the hashtag soft life trend movement, you have got to factor in and find a place to make sure that you are taking care of self. You can't pour from an empty cup all of those things that you hear. It's so, so, so, very important.
Speaker 1:And then the other thing dress up and show up. You don't have to wait for a date, you don't have to wait for an event. Get up sometimes, do your makeup, you know, put on something that makes you feel feminine, makes you feel soft, makes you want to operate just like you know, just in all of your divine, feminine, feminine energy. I don't know why I'm having such a trouble saying feminine today. Okay, but so that definitely.
Speaker 1:I don't usually give homework, but I would say that that's a homework assignment how to live a soft girl life. Envision the woman you want to become and the life you want to have. Make sure that you're setting boundaries and protecting those boundaries, learning the importance of self care, self care, self care, dressing up and showing up, getting rid of toxic people and, last but not least, live authentically, be around people, have a circle of people where you can always be your true, authentic self and walk in the knowledge that you deserve the absolute best that life has to offer. So thank you, guys, for tuning in, as always. Please like, subscribe, share the podcast. I'm just excited about this season, this change and what's in store for all of us. And just always remember speak things into existence, speak things that are not as if they were, and watch the universe and the Creator conspire with you so that you can have your absolute hearts desired. And until next time, guys, as always, take care.